OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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