Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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