I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
