Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
