My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
