We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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