It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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