I can't breathe out the right side of my face
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
