I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize