So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
