i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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