my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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