Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
