they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We were destined to go to rehab together
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
