I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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