If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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