I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ladies don't puke and tell
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
