You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
