I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
