You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
