Umm I'm too high to move.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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