No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So squirting runs in the family.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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