Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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