is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
