I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
