I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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