Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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