It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
