My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
