I'm so fucking centered right now
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize