Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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