one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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