I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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