Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
