so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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