I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
