it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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