Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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