im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When are your genitals available?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
