well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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