I cut my penus on the lid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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