I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
