I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
