when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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