just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
