You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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