I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
