this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
