theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
