im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
