My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
