I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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