There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
