Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
