she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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